The Summer I Wanted to Disappear

I remember it vividly–– Memorial Day weekend at the beach with my high school friends.

We piled into my dad's old Volvo, windows down, music up, and the scent of Coppertone thick in the air.

But as we got closer to the ocean, that familiar dread crept in.

On the surface, I was just one of the girls excited for sun and sand––but underneath I was hoping we'd never make it.

I would've rather driven around aimlessly all day. Heck, I'd have taken a flat tire over that beach trip.

But, we got there. And way too quickly, found a parking spot.

We hauled our bags onto the beach and picked our spot.

As my friends got rid of the t-shirts and shorts they'd been wearing over their bathing suits, I kept mine on.

They laughed and strolled to the ocean's edge, soaking in the start of summer.

I moved fast––straight into the water, hoping to disappear.

Later, some other kids invited us to a game of volleyball. I wanted to play. I didn't.

My friends were thin, carefree, looking sassy in their bikinis.

I was overweight, and miserable in my body.

They were joyful, free.

I was anything but.

It's a horrible feeling––to be stifled while desperately wanting to express.

To want to be invisible, but also to be seen.

Freedom in my body was a long, complex journey.

It wasn't just about nutrition or movement. It was years of deep healing.

We often think of freedom as something external—time, money, travel. But so much of it lives inside us.

In the moments we hold ourselves back.

In the choices we make to stay small, unseen, or “acceptable.”

Real freedom—freedom of expression, the freedom to be ourselves—begins within.

It starts by gently questioning the voice that says, “Don’t do that,” or “That’s not for you.”

And it grows with small acts of bravery. Truth-telling. Letting ourselves be seen.

Are there any areas of your life where you feel constrained? Restricted?

Imagine what it would feel like to be free in that space.

If you'd like to explore that feeling a little more deeply, I invite you to practice this week with this week's five minute guided meditation: Create More Freedom in Your Life.

It’s a space to reconnect with yourself, listen to what’s been holding you back, and gently open the door to more possibility.